You know what it’s like to be lonely. You sit in your bedroom every night by yourself, eating a meal for one as you mindlessly stare at a show on TV, or some porn on your computer screen, and pretend life is all you want it to be. Your days off, if you’re lucky, are spent hanging out with your friends – which certainly isn’t a bad thing, but when it’s all you have week after week, you’re left feeling deeply unfulfilled.
And the worst part of it all is when you go out, to the movies or the mall or the freaking grocery store, and you have to see THEM. You know who I’m talking about. The young couples in love, holding hands everywhere they go, grinning at each other, and taking every opportunity to sneak a kiss when they think nobody’s looking (or even just full-on making out in front of God and everybody). It’s a constant reminder of what you don’t have, and because they make it look so freaking easy, it makes you question what’s so very wrong with you that’s keeping you from the same happiness. What can you do about it?
Plenty, so keep reading. But first, let me just start off by saying that in this article, in case I wasn’t clear with the suicide-inducing paragraph above, I’m talking to guys who are interested in getting a girlfriend, as opposed to our horny young brothers who simply want to hook up for the night. As you might imagine, these are two different goals that require different strategies – though contrary to popular belief, they’re not as entirely dissimilar as you may initially suspect.
What Exactly Attracts a Girlfriend
In order to understand the secret of finding a girlfriend, you must first understand what those PDA experts at the mall did to get theirs. Obviously, it all starts with knowing girls in the first place. Over an indeterminate period of time, this will result in attractions to one or more of them occasionally being mutual. Dates between the two will be enjoyable, feelings will develop, and before you know it, that guy you saw holding a girl’s hand at Walmart has somebody telling him he really shouldn’t be eating so many fries with his steak at dinner. Pretty simple process, when you cut to the bones of it. So why isn’t it happening for you?
There are lots of factors that could interrupt what should otherwise be a rather basic boy-meets-girl story, and they all have to do with the boy not doing his part. Usually this is because it’s harder for him than for others, as a result of social awkwardness, insecurity about his appearance, or other factors leading to a lack of confidence. Make no mistake, not having confidence will pour water on the fire that is getting a girlfriend real quick.
And I don’t mean a dinky little water bottle that hipsters wear on their belts, either. We’re talking those honkin’ five-gallon dealies from Zephyrhills, now. Without confidence, you’re lucky if you can work up the nerve even to talk to a girl; what’s worse, once you do, she’ll smell how unsure you are of yourself a mile away. And if you think that’s going to make her find you cute and endearing, then pass whatever you’re smoking, because you’ve had enough. It’s more like shoving a fistful of minced garlic in a vampire’s face; that’s how women react to men with no confidence.
Instead, and this is a similarity with hunting girls for a hookup, women want guys who know what they’re after, know what it takes to get it, and aren’t afraid to drop their boots on the ground and get it done. Ultimately, and this is hardwired into them by eons of natural selection, women are looking for men who possess the evolutionary trait of “dominance”. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to be subservient to their mate, especially in today’s society, but it does mean that their base instincts essentially require them to be attracted to men who seem to “have it together”.
That means being assertive, determined, and unafraid – traits which, incidentally, tend to cause men to be admired by other males, found worthy by other females, and possessing of material wealth. It’s no coincidence that being well-dressed, seen as the leader of your group of guys, and accompanied by other females are all insanely attractive to women; they know, on a very deep level of which they aren’t even consciously aware, what those things mean. They mean you’re an alpha male, and nothing gets to women better in all the right ways.
Ever hear about guys who have “game”, who seem to just know how to get women interested? There’s no big secret to it. They know what makes a woman’s brain start blaring the “Alpha Male Detected” signal, and they design every facet of their appearance and personality to push those buttons.
Finding a Girlfriend Requires Perseverance
But practice makes perfect, and it’s hard to practice when you’re paralyzed by your own fear of rejection. The best way around this is pretty simple, if slightly counter-intuitive to those aiming at finding a girlfriend: stop trying. No, this isn’t some weird Zen thing.
What I’m suggesting here is that you engage with girls as much as possible, but not with the specific goal of making each one your girlfriend. Instead, try simply making friends. This way, you don’t have to sweat over the big question of “want to go to dinner with me?” and the dreaded negative answer. Just look for common interests, and have a conversation with her about those.
She’s far less likely to shoot you down when she sees you’re not trying to get her into bed, and you’ll probably be surprised just how many women are downright warm and friendly when you approach them this way. Do this as much as possible, and do it everywhere: at the library, at the beach, at parties (especially at parties; alcohol makes it so much easier). If someone doesn’t even want to be your FRIEND, then you know she’s simply an unpleasant person, and you really wouldn’t want her in your life anyway.
What you’ll find is that better than half the women you talk to like this will be receptive. You’ll hit it off enough with a relatively few of them to carry on an actual friendship, and that’s what we’re after here. Just having girl friends (not a “girlfriend”, not just yet) will be good for you in so many ways. The attention from women, even if only platonic, will boost your confidence and make you feel better about your own likability. It will give you a chance to practice your flirting, which is a lot easier with a girl you’re already familiar with.
And it offers the chance that, as you get closer to them, things will just “click” with one and you’ll end up finding a girlfriend that way. Of course, even if you don’t, each of these girl friends may know another girl they’d be willing to set you up with, or they might help you develop your “alpha male” personality (having an actual woman’s perspective on this can be very helpful), or they could end up helping you just by hanging out with you and being seen near you by other girls.
If you haven’t noticed, though, all of this requires action. As in, quit feeling sorry for yourself, get up, and actually do something to improve your situation. The time is now, because attracting women doesn’t get any easier as you grow older. Besides, the months (or years) you spend alone are time you’ll never get back. Go out there, live your life, and make memories you’ll look back on fondly in your declining years. The only thing holding you back from making it happen is you.